Tales of the Parodyverse

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J. Jonah Jerkson
Fri Dec 29, 2006 at 03:23:40 pm EST
Subject
Visionary Vehicles Vacates
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VISIONARY VEHICLES VACATES

Sometime during the week before Christmas:

"Hello, this is the Bautistamatic Automatic Switchboard for the Lair Legion. How may I swatch, swutch, uh, uh, switch your call?"

"Mr. Visionary, please. Melvin Brickbat calling."

"Bi-doo, bi-doo, bleep! Mr. Vizh, Vizh, Vizh, zhunary is no longer at, at, at this nu-uh-uh-um-berrrrrr. Kezow – blorch – zap--wee-hoo!"

"Do you have a number where I can reach him?"

"Do you want the Willingham number, ber, ber or the Parodiopolis one, one, two, three, four, five, six, countdown, five, four, three, two, one – KABLAM!"

* * *

"Willingham Directory Assistance, how can I help you?"

"I need the number of Mr. Visionary."

"Residential or business?"

"Residential. He's no businessman."

"I'm looking. We don't have a listing for a Mr. Visionary. The nearest listing is for a Mr. Visionary Shepherdson at the lighthouse."

"That's him. May I have the number?"

"Area code one – uh, oh."

"Area code one one oh what?"

"That listing just vanished from my screen."

"Damn computers."

"No, sir, it's not the computer. There's a service note: 'Address of service is dimensionally unstable. Periodic interruptions of service may occur.'"

"Who ever heard of a dimensionally unstable telephone?"

"The note says to try Parodiopolis Directory Assistance. May I transfer you?"

"Yes."

"Parodiopolis Directory Assistance, furnished by MegaComm, your 21st Century communications portal. How can I use the power of MegaComm to help you?"

"I need the number of Mr. Visionary Shepherdson, at a lighthouse."

"MegaComm HomeEnhanced or MegaComm Global Enterprise Solutions?"

"Huh?"

"MegaComm HomeEnhanced, linking your home to the telesphere, or MegaComm Global Enterprise Solutions, giving businesses the competitive MegaComm telecom advantage to conquer their global environment."

"You said 'home' somewhere in that blurb. Whatever that one was."

"All right. While you're waiting, can I tell you about our new MegaComm MasterBit Internet and television service? All of your communications needs on one humongous MegaComm bill. Just ask me about MegaComm MasterBit. . . . I'm sorry, sir, MegaComm has no MegaComm HomeEnhanced listings for a Visionary Shepherdson Lighthouse."

"I meant Visionary Shepherdson."

"Hmm. MegaComm has a listing. Would you like me to dial the number directly for you, using MegaComm Miracle, our state-of-the-art interface system, for a modest $1.00 MegaComm charge, or should I read it to you?"

"Read it to me."

Area code one, seven – is that a seven? It could be a one. Let's call it a seven, then one. Now, is that a nine or a four? You know, it's much more MegaComm reliable if you let me push the button and have MegaComm Miracle connect you."

"All right, connect me."

"That will be one dollar. MegaComm, your 21st Century communications portal, is happy to serve you. Would you like to hear about our new MegaComm Max service offerings? We offer a 25% MegaComm discount if you call your MegaComm MegaFriends more than 10 times per day. That's the MegaComm difference."

"Just connect me without using the word 'MegaComm' again."

"Marketing says we have to use the word 'MegaComm' at least twice in every response. Here you are. Thank you for using MegaComm, America's foremost communications provider."

[Telephone rings.]

"Hello? Hel—ow!" [Thump, jangle, jangle.]

"Hello, is this Mr. Visionary? Hello?"

"Ouch. Sorry, I dropped the phone on my foot. The lighthouse wobbles a bit after a translation."

"I'll pretend I understood that. Anyway, Visionary, this is Melvin Brickbat."

"Who?"

"Melvin Brickbat, the CEO of Visionary Vehicles."

"You're the person who got me in trouble with the IRS, the city and Baroness Zemo, which took me fifteen months and a half-dozen lawyers to work out? And what happened to those endorsement checks you promised me?"

"Well, that's why I'm calling you. It seems that there's been a little bounce. Nothing major. I'm going to be forging ahead very soon."

"Bounce, you say?"

"Just a tiny setback. The Chinese car maker decided it wanted a partner with greater reach. They ignored my track record of bringing innovative Communist-made products to market, like the Yugo."

"So they dumped you. Who'd they go with?"

"It wasn't a dumping. Just a realignment of priorities. They're still interested in developing a long-term business relationship, I'm sure."

"Who'd they go with?"

"DaimlerChrysler."

"So this means I won't be getting any money?"

"'Fraid so. It's been nice working with you, though."

"But you used my name. Visionary Vehicles. And my logo. I remember the slogan now. 'For the Visionary driver in all of us.’ With an orange diamond on a green background.. You owe me."

"I don't owe you anything. If it weren't for you, the Chinese would have gone with my small, but dynamic startup instead of a global company. Face it, Visionary, you just weren't able to carry your part of the load."

"But you didn't even ask me to do anything."

"That doesn't matter, Visionary."

"I'll sue!"

"Go ahead. The total assets of Visionary Vehicles right now are about $2,000."

"You mean, Melvin, you've been faking it all along."

"It was real, dammit! I'm an entrepreneur!"

"Arrngh. Something was wrong with that last remark."

"Whatever. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know before you started your tax return."

"Tax return?"

"I listed you as a silent general partner. You may be hearing from the bankruptcy trustee in a couple of weeks."

"Bankruptcy trustee?"

"Don't tell them anything, and don't worry about those tax forms you're going to be receiving."

"TAX FORMS?"

"I'm sure you can compromise the liabilities."

"LIABILITIES?"

"I'm sure it will all work out. Merry Christmas!"

[Click.]

Note:

Back in January 2005, Malcolm Bricklin, the automobile entrepreneur (and sponsor of the Yugo, R.I.P.) organized "Visionary Vehicles Inc." which was to import cars from China. Visionary's resulting problems were described in "The Automobile Mogul," a copy of which is found at http://www.mangacool.com/php/show.php?rpy=parodyverse-20050106222515.

Last week the Chinese manufacturer dumped Bricklin, so the opportunity to close out this minor episode in Vizh's parody life occurred.

Happy New Year.





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